"Actors - when you want them to say something, they have nothing to say."

I'm sitting in a massive black box space with one old-timer acting as teacher, 3 fellow actors, 5 handheld cameras and about 40 aspiring film directors. I'm sitting there, in a blanket of sweat, presenting a scene from the Layabouts film as part of this I-want-to-be-a-director course on the USC campus. I'm sitting there, with this dude's face popping up on the monitors at the other end of the room, and - well - that dude is me ...

... and this was just the beginning of our long, bizarre, thrilling, fulfilling and all-around exhausting week here in Los Angeles, leading to 8pm bedtimes, endless tape measurements, and the traffic nightmare that was Oscar Night.

WEDNESDAY
Joanna works on her hands and knees, starring in a one-person short film about a woman whose garden is torn apart overnight and decides to rebuild it on her own.

The director pays her $120 in quarters for laundry.

THURSDAY
Joanna and I head out to several auditions:

• J goes gansta in an indie film audition, in which she gets to deliver the line, "You the one who be rockin' them Levi's like they Sean John's..."
  
• B snags a role in Two Face, a student short about two men with two malicious motives
• J's cast in the silent student film Check, revolving around a chess game of love
  
• B's also cast in Clean, a short film about a 17-year-old who may be charged with rape

And, after a battle with the elements - driving through the rain with a near-empty gas tank - Joanna makes it in time for a seminar with One-on-One Productions. She got to chat up and read a scene with casting director Will Stewart, who casts the popular TV shows Grey's Anatomy, Private Practice, and Friday Night Lights. Stewart enjoyed Joanna's reading until he found out she was a Tarheels fan (he's a native Duke-r himself), at which point he kicked her to the curb without refunding her $.

On a different note, ex-New-York-roommate Ethan (we'll call him Ethan) and I go to see the acclaimed indie, The Killing of John Lennon, which ends up being a chaotic, character-based mess. We wash down the poor film-making with double cheeseburgers and fries at LA's famous In-n-Out Burger.

FRIDAY
I sit in a Santa Monica Starbucks all morning and wrap up The Reader, Bernard Schlink's unique Holocaust novel, in preparation for the big audition. Afterwards, Justin and I meet up, talk about his upcoming directing project with his production company (check them out at www.acornpictures.com) and play Wii Golf like 6-year-olds on summer vacation.

Meanwhile, Jo teams up with the crew at the LA Film School to film Cabin, a zombie thriller in which Joanna - verbatim - "pees in a bucket in the corner."

B: "You're not getting paid to pee in a pail?"
J: "No - I get meals and credit."
B: "What's the credit? Girl-Who-Pees-in-Pail?"

Onset, Joanna cries on command and is given the glorious nickname The Phoenix. Of course, this inspires all of us in the house to don new nicknames that fit our various personalities.

Brian: The Woodpecker
Brendan: The Pelican Brief
Cooper, Brendan's S.O.: The Seagull
Scooter: The Owl

SATURDAY
Joanna and I wake up CRAZY EARLY. I drop Jo off at the USC campus for a rainy day Check shoot before heading to who-knows-where to audition for The Reader, a staged reading adaptation of the bestselling book. An incorrect address on the audition notice puts me at a construction site on a hill near the Univision headquarters, but thanks to the handy-dandy iPhone, I'm at the ACTUAL location with time to spare. The audition rocked - fingers crossed.

And the BIG news ... Jo and I have found and secured a new apartment!

Blog-Readers: "Ummmm. You just moved into a new apartment."
Me: "Well, we're renting from someone."
Blog-Readers: "Uh-huh."
Me: "So it's not OUR apartment. This will be OUR apartment."
Blog-Readers: "You gettin' an attitude with me?"
Me: "No. No-no, I was emphasizing."
Blog-Readers: "Uh-huh. Smartass."

The new place is, well, down a flight of stairs and about 20 steps to the west. It's apartment 305, and it's cheap, and - even better - it's what we've been looking for.

Our renter has returned to LA much earlier than expected. Turns out a feature-length script of hers ("the female version of Animal House") has received some serious attention and could be picked up and produced! $$$! So she's anxious to get back into her old home and prepare for her incoming paychecks as we get set for our March 1st move down the hall and to the right.

So soon, we know, but SO perfect.

SUNDAY
As most of our furniture is in our apartment in New York, it feels a bit like starting over again, which can be rather expensive and a pain-in-the-butt. So we've been surfing through the Los Angeles Craigslist ads (Don't know Craigslist? Live under a rock? Visit www.craigslist.org), seeking out $30 entertainment centers, $15 pot and pan collections, $20 bathroom vanities and a 4-piece (2-dresser, 2-nightstand) bedroom set for $25. We've zigzagged through local streets for garage sales and torn through the clearance racks at Bed Bath & Beyond, claiming a 10-piece glassware set for $9.98.

Fo' sho'.

Our goal is to furnish the entire place for under $400. No, Moms, we can't make that into a movie, but thanks for thinking of us.

Hope ya'll enjoyed the Oscars. Being the long-time Coen Brothers fan that I am (footnote: see Raising Arizona, see Barton Fink, see Big Lebowski, see Fargo, see O Brother..., see The Man Who Wasn't There), I've been rooting for them for ages and I'm more than thrilled to see them snag the awards. It's long-deserved. Scooter was thrilled too. Silently thrilled.

p.s. Some marvelous unnamed reader caught Scooter's initials at the end of last week's blog ("sg") and asked what Scooter's last name is ...

... well, we adopted Scooter from the folks at the Brooklyn Animal Foster Network. Who knows who named him, but he responded to the name and seemed to like it. Regardless, being parents, we thought we should at least give him a nickname or - better - a middle name. We came up with George. Scooter George.

'til next time,
b & j & sgl-w